In the last podcast episode, I reflected back to a time in 2007 when I was set on being the most independent woman I could be. My dream of total independence looked like Destiny Child’s Survivor video. Boys beware because I was NOT interested in a relationship. My mind was set on making the most of my life that doctors told me wouldn’t last long due to an inoperable brain tumor.
With that type of urgency, who wants to get caught up in a bad relationship… again? Not me. Nope.
You see, I had 20+ years of hard lessons from bad friendships to boyfriends who shattered my heart. And now that I was laser-focused on following my childhood dream of being a makeup artist, I didn’t want anyone to take that away from me, even if it was true love.
Good thing for me, true love showed up in the form of Josh, who was patient with me in my process of letting my guard down.
Today, on our 9th wedding anniversary, I understand what independence and connection really mean.
The biggest thing I learned was that the blank spot on my heart needed to be filled with MY name before I could add anyone else’s. Since I’d seem to always find myself in situations where I was the one who was picking up the pieces of my own broken heart, I came to understand that I needed to get in a better relationship with myself. And keeping everyone out wasn’t the answer anymore.
My heart was craving a different level of connection and intimacy, a deeper trust… one that could only come from inside my own heart.
I had to make a commitment to end self-betrayal and choose to trust in myself, no matter what. Little by little, the small acts of self-compassion loaded with grace started to build up my integrity in a new way. I started to see that every time I would choose to go against my gut feelings and inner knowing to make someone else comfortable or happy, it never worked out well for me. So I had to stop that old habit. Bit by bit, I started to unlock a deeper part of myself that held the real Love I was seeking, with a capital “L.” In the stillness, I imagine Source filling me up with this Love first so I can share it with the world around me.
When you lock up your heart to keep it safe, love can’t come in and love can’t go out. And Love wants to flow to you and from you.
Once I made this internal shift and commitment to myself, Josh felt the difference without me having to tell him. He started to feel the warmth of my love in a more powerful way. I wasn’t waiting on him to “fix” my broken heart from my past pain; instead, I empowered myself to heal the pain. This act of radical self-love affected how I treat myself, my openness with my partner, and how I teach love to my children. It has ended up being the gift that keeps on giving! Remember, your relationship with yourself sets the tone for all of your relationships.
So for our anniversary, I invite you to listen to our new favorite episode Healing Extreme Independence; laugh with us, hear my story, and know that we’re all in this together.
Love you always!5